While each of us comes equipped with a happiness “set point” — meaning we innately have a personal happiness level (some have a higher happiness set point than others) — our feelings of happiness do rise and fall within that established range.

We may feel happy and exhilarated in the middle of a fun activity, or while acquiring something new only to experience that less-than-satisfied feeling with the very things that once pleased us, after a little time passes. Can anyone say buyer’s remorse?

Appreciation elevates happy feelings

But there are a couple of qualities that can help you sustain your happiness levels and amp up your life experience. They just happen to be a couple of my favorite things to write about: Appreciation and Novelty.

Happiness experts Dr. Kennon Sheldon and Sonja Lyubomirsky  asked 481 people about a change they had recently experienced that made them happier, then they talked to those same people six weeks later to see if the happiness had lasted. For most it hadn’t primarily because people had become used to the change that once made them happier and stopped appreciating it. They also stopped having new and positive experiences related to the initial change. The experience had become routine, familiar and that didn’t sustain happiness.

The key then is to appreciate the experiences and things in your life and to keep having new and novel experiences. These two practices can take you to the tippy-top of your happiness set point. Plus, it’s just plain fun. Appreciation and a regular gratitude practice also ease depression and stress and promote physical and mental well-being. Doing new and novel things inspires creativity and curiosity and adds meaning to life.

So today, try something new, notice it, appreciate it, relish it and keep the good feelings going by finding new ways to look at your experience. In the long run, you’ll be happier.

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Think about this with your kids. Every time you say something negative or critical, it takes 10 more positives to buffer their psyche, according to educators.

It’s just as important to find the pros in the workplace and in the home and in yourself. So, make it part of your day. Create an adventure around catching the good in your life – and you’re bound to experience a shift in mood and attitude. Plus, you’re going to feel better.

Three practices to find the positive charge in life

Notice what is working. Every time we pick up the newspaper we see what isn’t working. When we talk to friends, we often get into our gripes or frustrations.

Instead, flip your experience around by seeing what you do like, then figure out why.  If you are struck by a beautiful painting, dissect the brushstrokes, and colors, and artistic inspiration that may enhance its beauty. Immerse yourself in the experience of noticing the painting.

This morning, I woke up feeling peaceful and good. So, I explored that feeling – what was it about this particular moment that was making me feel so good? I realized that I was warm and knew that my husband had gotten up early to turn on the heat. That realization led to feelings of gratitude for him and a whole other wave of good feeling.

This is not hard. When you catch what is working, when you bury yourself in the goodness, it usually leads you down the track toward other good things.  Try it.

Compliment yourself and others. Give yourself compliments, out loud. Not kidding. If you think you look hot, got to the mirror and say it to yourself with a big smile on your face. If you are inspired by something someone says, tell them so. In fact, seek out one positive thing in everyone you interact with – no matter who it is – and draw attention to it. Declare it. Even the most difficult people have talents and tendencies that we can learn from and even enjoy.

Seek them out. If a person is particularly difficult, or perhaps always complaining –heck, there’s a talent right there: they have an ability to express themselves. Notice it, compliment it.

Pause to enjoy. The more attention you give to the good things in life the more your good feelings will expand. Once, you’ve spotted a positive and complimented it or declared it to yourself or others, just pause for a moment to take it all in. My morning coffee is one of my favorite things in life. And this morning when I was feeling so calm and cared for, I stopped, took a sip of coffee, and just experienced that moment fully.

Take a few moments at different times all throughout your day to slow down and hone in on something good – big or small – and just appreciate it. The practice is so powerful you’ll be inspired to constantly seek out the good stuff just so that you can feel those positive feelings bubble up.

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10:1

That’s the ratio required for positive statements to counter balance the negative when it comes to parenting and educating children, say teachers. Ten positives to offset the devastating impact of one negative or critical statement.

Relationship expert John Gottman says that we need to have at least five positive statements to every one negative to make our marriages last. Time and time again researchers have looked at the ratio between negative and positives in the workplace, in schools, in families and care facilities and they have always found one thing to be consistent: it takes a bunch of positives to counterbalance a single negative.

So, what are the positives in your life?

Looking for the good instead of the bad

Despite the fact that most of us have heard these statistics before, I find that a whole bunch of people spend more time focused on troubles in life, rather than the upside. If you look for the bad stuff, you’re bound to find it. There is plenty of evidence that indicates things are not all that hunky-dory on the planet. But, here’s a shocker, if you look for the good stuff, you’re bound to find that too. There is plenty that is working well, it’s just that people aren’t looking for it.

This isn’t about optimism or pessimism. You don’t have to change your way of thinking. You simply need to notice all that is. While there is some negative stuff out there, there are still plenty of positives. Want to change your life or feel better in the life you’re leading? Then go look for those good things.

Last week I was in a meeting with the principal at my daughter’s school. She spent a few minutes reminding us to catch our kids doing the good things. We are very good at catching them jumping on the bed or sticking their gum on the furniture or climbing on the counters. But how often do you catch them loving well, being kind, creating openly, as well as chewing with their mouths closed, clearing the table and putting their socks in the hamper?

How often do you catch yourself and the others in your life doing the right thing?

Today, move forward with the intention to “catch the good stuff.” Look for it everywhere – within yourself and others. Note it, comment on it, enjoy the moment of goodness. And when you catch yourself criticizing or complaining challenge yourself to find 10 more positives to upset the negative. This little exercise is a difference-maker. There is plenty of good out there, if only we notice. In Wednesday’s post I’ll give you some tips to help develop a habit of doing just that.

Even if enlightenment isn’t your ultimate goal, letting go of your need to control and manage the things that really cannot be managed or controlled will keep you from stressing out. When we can learn to let go and roll with the inevitable changes, we create some space in our lives. We make room for good things to come. We become a witness to what happens next.

You have plenty of opportunity to practice this letting go, if you decide to try it. Many of us get to lose jobs and money. We get to lose our health and loved ones. We end marriages, move houses, lose our youth. Change is normal. Letting go a requirement. The pain we feel around it though,  comes only because we’ve been holding on so tight.

As Buddha says, the very nature of life is impermanence, when you really know that, when you embrace this nature of change — even the super tough stuff like death and loss, gets a little easier to deal with.

Here are five ways to practice letting go:

Stay present: Often our fears and reluctance come out of our focus on the future. Stop doing that. Focus on the present. Deal with the moments now. This will give you some confidence as you cope with one change at a time instead of creating drama around future “what ifs” and the “what might happens.”

Accept what is: Often our greatest pain comes from resisting what is already happening. How much sense does that make? See what is. Take an honest, good, hard look at it and deal with that, instead of what you’re wishing it was. Believe me; this isn’t as hard as you think it is.

Connect to the emotion: Change can be scary – so what? Feel the fear. Experience the sadness. Be with it. Too often we spend all our energy moving out of the bad-feeling emotion, only to have it come out in other, less productive, ways. Acknowledge whatever you’re feeling. Don’t behave badly from it, just notice it. Soon enough, that feeling will change too.

Acknowledge what you can do. There is plenty in life that you have no control over and a few little things that you do. Identify which aspects you can impact then work on those. For example, if you are feeling tired and overwhelmed, you can choose to eat nourishing foods, or take a hot shower, or fit in a nap to help revive your body. Often, in the midst of change we try to micro-manage every detail. This is rarely productive and only adds to our stress. Instead, manage what you can and do little things each day with the sole purpose of nourishing your mind/body/soul – that is all that you can do and it’s enough.

Again, don’t take on change by wishing things were different – that’ll never work – but you can start praying for guidance to get through. Or you can start working out to maintain your physical health and those things will make you more able to manage the emotions and tasks that appear in the moment.

Let go. This topic should be first and last on this list. After all, if we surrendered and simply experienced things as they are, we would be happier and less stressed. There comes a time – even in the transition from day to night – that you’ve got to let go and accept that the light is fading fast.

Life is like this. You’ve got to let go of the money you no longer have, or the old job. You’ve got to let go of the physical connection you have to your dying loved one.  Let go and surrender to what is – then you’ll be able to move gracefully with it.

This can be a very tangible exercise, write down what you’re attached to and needing to release: the idea for a specific relationship, a desire for a new car, your attachment to an old job. Then, surrender to the reality of what it is. Right now you’re driving a beater. The dream relationship isn’t working out. You lost your job.

Then release it. Say it out loud. “I am letting go of my attachment to this abusive relationship.” “I am letting go of my attachment to this job.” “I am releasing my pain and fear about this change.” Take deep breaths and imagine the anxiety around this situation dissipating into the air. Feel the relief.

The pain of it may still come back on you – think emotional acid reflux. But, that’s O.K. When it does come up, remind yourself that you’ve already let it go and move on.

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I’m already missing her. But, she was always so curious and interested in everything that I can’t help but think, that she’s approaching this transition the same way – with acceptance and interest.

Many of us don’t do that. We shy away from transition. Deny the changes. Hide from the uncertainties. We don’t like to say goodbye to what we know for the uncertainty of something new.

Often, that fear or discomfort keeps us from maximizing our life experience. We never apply for our dream job because we’re afraid we might fail. We don’t go back to school, or get the divorce, or tell the guy that we love him, because we are afraid of what comes next. We don’t talk about death or stay close to our dying loved ones because we are afraid too, of not knowing what will happen or how we’ll cope.

Yet, life changes anyhow. These things happen – anyhow. The sun always sets, before rising again. You can either accept this,  participate and live and learn and move, or you can stay stuck in denial and rooted in the status quo.

By refusing to fully experience all the transitions of life – even death — by resisting change, you only suffer more losses. You miss out on pivotal experiences that can shape and inspire you. You miss out on a chance to engage fully in all of life.

No transition is easy, but if you’re paying attention there is great meaning and wisdom that comes by becoming present to any life change. There is great insight that comes when you experience any change in the present — moment by moment – with great wonder and curiosity.

I am better because of what my Grandmother taught and shared with me during her life. And she continued to teach me as I sat with her in those final days. She reminded me not to be afraid of changes in life, instead to embrace them, to experience them and to live with faith and love that it is all just as it must be. She reminded me to go boldly. She lived that way. And, I’m certain that her energy carries on.

Now that, takes courage, I thought. I’d be more likely to run screaming from the house rather than run toward the fire.

But I did have a mammogram last week and I felt like that required a fair amount of courage to go for the test. I did take on an assignment I’m not sure I know how to do. I did say “No” when it would have been easier to say yes. And I do feel like all of these things take a certain amount of psychological courage.

I learned about psychological courage when I started researching my book Imperfect Spirituality: Extraordinary Enlightenment for Ordinary People, (to be released this fall) and I realized how we are all courageous when we take an honest look at our lives and transcend the challenges before us.

When you decide to confront your limiting beliefs, be accountable for your bad behavior, and change destructive habits you are drawing on psychological courage.

When you quit your well-paying job to pursue a dream, when you leave the bad marriage, or decide to have another baby when you’ve lost a child, you are acting courageously.

All this stuff scares me just to think about. But to live with these and other challenges, to learn from them, and take focused action – even while feeling afraid – to transcend them will transform your life. Not only will you move through the muck you will become more authentic.

I’ll bet you’ve tapped into your reserves of psychological courage plenty of times, but probably never thought of yourself as courageous. Well, you are. And next time you’re feeling afraid, remember these three qualities can help you ramp up your psychological courage and carry you through.

Three qualities to help you develop psychological courage

Acceptance: Don’t go wishing away your life, deal with what is. The sooner you can take a clear-eyed look at what really is, the sooner you’ll have accurate information that will help move through it.

Awareness: Tune in to what is happening in the moment. Most of our fears come when we project out into the future. Become aware of what is occurring right now, stop creating a drama around what “might” happen, and then you’ll know what you need to do next.

Action: Pick one thing and act on it. You don’t have to solve all the problems in a day, but if you’re feeling scared about confronting your spouse, or getting into treatment or trying a new job, just take a baby step. Gather the phone numbers you need, talk to a friend, or write out the topics you want to address. Then, the next day take the next step. You can literally change your world one little step at a time.

It’s the same with writing this blog, being honest and vulnerable, it’s scary. It has required me to face some of my fears and do it anyhow.

I need courage every time the dermatologist combs every inch of skin looking for the melanoma that has been there before. I need courage when I approach a new editor with a new idea and also when I question something my mechanic said.

Courage isn’t just about leaping out of airplanes or rappelling off cliffs. It’s also the mettle we need to manage daily challenges and dilemmas. Good news is we all have some degree of courage (yet few of us define the strength we need to cope with adversity as courage) and we can become more courageous. It is something we can learn and develop.

The kind of courage I’m talking about shows up when we say “yes” though we’d rather say “no.”  It’s about trying something new even when you might look silly. It’s the courage needed to stand up to authority — your doctor, your boss, your Mom — when it’s important to do so.  Sometimes, it’s about speaking out when no one else is talking.

With courage we can be present to those niggling challenges and respond from a place of compassion and awareness and integrity. When we take a courageous action, we are usually motivated by something deeper, a greater purpose.  We are willing to risk something in order to take  a stand for something that matters to us.

And while it feels scary for sure, the kind of courage we need each day doesn’t usually require us to leap without a net. Here are some ways to practice:

1. Step out of the routine. Try something new every day. Taking small risks helps you prepare for bigger ones by boosting your confidence and reminding you that you are already courageous.

2. Give an “A” for effort. Give yourself credit for facing your fears and taking action — whether you like the outcome or not. When you stand up for what matters to you you’ll know that you can face other challenges with strength.

3. Be present. Often we stop ourselves from taking risks or action by projecting future outcomes. Not a good idea. Stay in the moment. Breathe deep. Be aware of how your body feels. Experience the emotions and move toward what’s important now without worry about what happens next.

And then get prepared. Being courageous sometimes requires you to slow down and sit with a situation  before making a move. Courage is not reckless.

If you’re planning to start a new business, be courageous enough to look at the logistics and investment required to make it successful before you kiss your old job goodbye.

The Big Wigs are quick to point out that often the people we most associate with courage in our culture – firefighters, police officers, doctors — also have the most training. They are prepared — ahead of time. That way,  when courage is required they are ready to step up and face the challenge with their best skills. You can too.

Learn how to communicate your ideas effectively, so when it’s time to speak up you can. Write down your goals, so when you must quit your job, you know what to do next. Outline what you want and need in a marriage and communicate that with your partner, so you are ready to take the plunge.  Establish a household budget so you know what it will take to maintain a new home, then move forward. You’ll still need a hefty dose of courage to take on any new life challenges, but with practice and preparation, you’ll be ready.

Bonus Material:

Bestselling author and wise woman Debbie Ford delves into this topic in a big way in her newest book COURAGE: OVERCOMING FEAR AND IGNITING SELF-CONFIDENCE, to be released tomorrow. After facing her own fears head on, Ford shares a personal and practical approach that will help us release our fears and step into our stronger, more confident selves.

“…I learned that there is a part of us that has been there all along that even in what appears to be our darkest hour possesses boundless confidence and courage. We must only open our minds and most importantly our hearts to this part of us,” she writes.

Like all of her books, this is definitely one worth checking out. Find it here: http://thecouragebook.com/

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The more self-control you have the better able you will be to avoid eating an entire pizza in one sitting. The less likely you’ll be to pop off in frustration, or to buy the $200 shoes that you don’t really need. Decisions get easier and you’ll be calmer and less reactive.

Still, we are bombarded daily by stresses, decisions and temptations sure to suck our self-control right out of us.  But, there are a  few simple things we can do to strengthen our reserves and make it easier to cope with life’s challenges.

Three ways to strengthen your self-control

1.  Think about the why. In several experiments led by Kentaro Fujita participants who thought about “why” they did something were able to exert greater self-control and persist longer at a task then those who thought about “how” to do something.  For example, if you think about why you are not going to eat an entire pizza – because you want to be healthy — you’re bound to strengthen your self-control and resist better than if you think about how you are going to avoid eating the pizza by just filling up on salad. When we know what the end result is – the goal we are going for — rather than the means of getting there, we’re more likely to put down the slice of pie, and build-up our personal power.

2.  Take a time out. We are constantly facing things that test our self-control. Make sure that each day you have a little breather from the bombardment and simplify your choices. If you’re buying toothpaste, for example, get the kind you always get to take some of the stress out of the kind of decision making that can tax yourself-control on bigger things. Be sure too, to find a few minutes for restorative quiet each day.  Take deep breaths, allow thoughts to flutter in and out, but don’t act on them. When your reserves of self-control are depleted, you need some time and space to refill.

3.  Change the way you operate. Use your non-dominant hand to operate the mouse,  pour the cereal, brush your teeth, or do anything else (that is safe to do) for two weeks. This takes self-control. As you practice this and persist, you become more disciplined and more able to handle all the other irritations in your day, according to research by Thomas Denson. Even changing your posture can help do this. So, if you a shoulder slumper, practice sitting up straight and your self-control will improve. That will help you remain calm and controlled even under pressure.

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But, I exercised a little self-control, settled on a second slice and a big serving of salad and felt filled up rather than guilty.

It doesn’t always go like this. Sometimes I do reach for the extra slice and end up feeling too full and sick. Or, I say the thing I shouldn’t say; buy the notebook, (I’m a writer office supplies are the ultimate indulgence), though I have two new ones in the drawer.

But instead of following every whim – every time — I’m working on building my self-control. Turns out you can actually do this and the more self-control you have, the less edgy and reactive you’ll be.

Big Problems With Little Self-Control

We all know people who tend to react impulsively. Those who buy too much, drink too much, eat too much or fly into a fit of rage over the smallest annoyances. We call those who take violent or aggressive action when ticked off, well, uh, criminals. I mean who hasn’t wanted to haul off and smack someone who’s acting like a jerk – but most of us have enough self-control NOT to do that.  Those who don’t, end in deep trouble for doing things they can’t take back.

Still, the rest of us struggle with self-control issues all the time. It’s part of the human experience and it’s exhausting. That is why it can be so hard hard to resist family-sized bag of M&M’s at the end of a stressful day.

Whether you gobble every last one up, or not, depends on how depleted your reserves of self-control  are, according to science bigwigs like Thomas Denson, a psychologist at the University of New South Wales.

Denson’s studies show that people who were under duress for a period of time have less self-control. In one experiment participants sat in front of a plate of cookies but were told not to eat any. Later, these same people demonstrated more aggressive behavior after receiving negative feedback from a loved one than those whose self-control hadn’t been tested.

When Self-Control Takes a Hit

Think about how this phenomena shows up in daily life then.  A nit-picking boss drives you all day to make ridiculous changes to a report you authored. You nod your head, put up with his remarks, and do what you’re told without making trouble. In the end though, you might indulge in the extra cookie at lunch time or snipe at your husband over a stupid comment he makes at dinner, or you sit on Facebook rather than finishing the work you need to get done. You’ve worked to keep your self-control in check all day and you’ve had ENOUGH already.

This can happen with food or shopping or anything.  While I’m disciplined and will eat healthy for weeks  at a time, I may overindulge when somebody brings in a bag of potato chips. Sound familiar?

With a bit more self-control, though, we can feel calmer and less reactive even when stress levels do rise or temptations appear – which they always do. In Wednesday’s post, I’ll tell you how to do it.