How to ease stress and improve your relationship

relationships and building loveI’ve been travelling — a lot. And, a crazy thing happened: I realized that I really missed my husband. When I was tired and worn and returning to a hotel room at night, I thought of  how good it would have felt to have him there.

Okay, maybe not on the first night. I mean that night was awesome. No dinner to cook, nothing to discuss or figure out. No one requiring me to share the remote. Just me, there in the quiet hotel room, glass of wine in hand. Alone. It did feel good to be on my own.

That feeling lasted about a day, though I started thinking about him 15 minutes into the trip. Then I began missing him. By the fourth day, my husband had gained mythic status as the perfect male who pretty much solves all my problems and tells me I look good even when I’m wearing sweats and that gray t-shirt with the holes near the hem.

Forgotten were the quirks that bug me, the disagreements we have about parenting and the roommate issues that only come when you live in close quarters with someone. The more time away, the more blissful my marriage became – in my own mind.

I couldn’t wait to get home to my family. Yet, I was in the door less than six hours (I got home in the middle of the night, so that bought me some time) when those little relationship irritations began to perk up again.

Marital Satisfaction – or Not

The longer the relationship lasts, the more dissatisfied we become, according to research.

Romantic, passionate love seems to ebb within two years and the little routines and rituals that used to make us feel good become er, mundane. Boring. But, there is plenty you can do to revive or enhance a faltering marriage, say psychologists. And, for those who do, there are perks.

Even if you feel like your spouse is making you crazy, Swedish researchers says a happy marriage actually lowers your risk of dementia. It is also a buffer against depression. The Framingham Heart Study and other research indicates a happy marriage is also good for our cardiovascular health, while a hostile or stressful marriage can actually contribute to heart disease and hypertension.

A good marriage, may even lower our risk of car accidents and other scary mishaps, according to research from The Netherlands. Plus, when you feel the vibe and you’re working together, there’s nothing more fun and meaningful than a deep connection shared with the one you’re building a life with.

Writing the Story Without the Drama

The question, then, is how can we get more of that? How can we share more of those feel-good-I’ve-got-your-back moments that solidify a marriage and make the annoyances easier to manage?

One recent study says a simple writing exercise can help.

In a study led by Eli Finkel, professor of psychology at Northwestern University, 120 couples were evaluated over two years. One half of the group was instructed to participate in a “reappraisal intervention” which asked couples to write about a recent disagreement from the perspective of a neutral third party. By the second year of the study, those couples who did the exercise three times a year experienced no decline in marital satisfaction. They argued just as much as ever, but those who wrote neutrally about the experience, didn’t get as stressed out by the fights, says the report soon to be released in the journal Psychological Science.

This is worth trying. Set a time to sit down with your partner three times over the next year and write about an emotionally charged disagreement from the perspective of an objective, third party. Write for seven minutes – that’s the length of time those in the study were instructed to spend — then finish it up. At the end of the exercise, and the year, you might just find yourself feeling better in the relationship.

On Wednesday, I’ll offer up some other relationship-building tips. For now though, I’m going to get writing. And writing. And writing.


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  1. Hello Polly,
    I just wanted to thank you for reminding me of my spiritual journey. Sometimes I get caught up with work etc., and find myself going around and around in my head and focusing my attention on everything that appears to be right in front of me except my spirituality. I listened to you on Coast to Coast and your beautiful and simple way of explaining your philosophies allowed me to rediscover that inner most part of me that is my true essence. I am looking forward to reading Imperfect Spirituality and your other works as well. Once again I thank you from the bottom, the middle and the top of my heart.
    Mountains of Joy to you Polly!
    Rick Richards..

    • Me too, Rick. :) It’s easy to get caught up in the routine and forget who we truly are. I appreciate your comments and honesty. I hope you find the book valuable. Thank you so much for stopping by. And I love your expression and the sentiment…”thank you from the bottom, the middle and the top of my heart.”
      Have a wonderful day.